The Afterthought
I have always known what my place is in my family. It isn’t the sun, a planet, or even a moon. My parents were always around my younger brother Shawn, who was like the sun to them. I was the last thing on their minds, the dark matter, the one who was meant to give in to keep the peace.
I knew right away that protesting was pointless. He got Shawn what he needed. People believed I was tough when I needed something. If I said I was disappointed, I was being dramatic. So, I learned to stop hoping for things.
By the time I was in my 30s, I had built a life for myself that was far distant from their influence. I had a great job, a good place to live, and people who were nicer to me than my family ever was. I went because I had to, like a ghost that was still there at the celebration of their love for my brother. At first, they were nice. But the way they treated us was really different. I just had to deal with that.
Or at least I thought I did.
The Invitation
Then the trip took place. My parents organized a family trip to celebrate my dad’s 60th birthday. They paid for a week at a nice hotel on the beach in Miami. I didn’t know what to do. I could easily see myself standing on the sidelines while everyone else praised Shawn. But then I thought, “Why not?” I could use the sun’s brightness. I’d have a nice hotel room and some time to myself.
I should have known better.
I noticed Shawn at the check-in desk with a tall blonde woman on his arm as soon as I got there. “This is Jessica,” he said. “She’s going to live with us.” I nodded, and a familiar feeling of dread twisted up in my stomach. A new woman in your life. For a week, my parents would treat her like a princess and give her more attention than they ever did to me.
That night, as we were eating dinner at a nice restaurant with white tablecloths and flickering lights, my mom looked at me the same way she always did when she wanted something she felt I would agree to.
She said in a casual tone, “Sweetheart, we thought it would be nice for Shawn and Jessica to have some time alone.”
I knew what she was going to say before she said it.
“So, they’ll take your room, and you can sleep on the couch in the suite.”
I cautiously set down my fork. “Do you want me to give up the room I paid for and reserved?”
My mom smiled forcefully, as if she were trying to be patient but was really angry. “Well, it’s all in the family, right? It’s just for a few nights.
I turned to my dad. He was looking at his phone and not paying attention at all. Shawn didn’t seem upset. Jessica gazed at her plate, feeling apprehensive but not enough to say anything. This was normal for them. Expected.
I could feel something inside me getting stiff, and it was a mute anger that was rising. This time, I wasn’t going to let them take advantage of me.
I smiled a little. “Okay,” I said. “It’s not a big deal.”
And it was the last thing I said before I got up and left.
The Checkmate
That night, I packed my things not because I was leaving my room, but because I was leaving the hotel. I went up to the front desk and booked a suite at the five-star hotel next door, which is much nicer. I turned back to the front desk before I left.
“One last thing,” I said. “Can you make sure that my family can’t use my card to buy anything?”
She stared at me like she understood what I was saying. “Of course, ma’am.”
That night, I slept in a big, comfy bed. I had breakfast by the pool the next morning and sipped orange juice that had just been squeezed. For the first time in a long time, I put myself first.
I got the text, just like I thought I would.
Mom: What’s wrong with your card?
I waited a few minutes before I replied to the message. I won’t be going back there. You need to talk to Shawn.
I could tell exactly when she read it. The confusion, the delayed realization, and finally the full rage. My phone buzzed once more.
Mom: What? Where are you?
I saw the meltdown happen from my recliner in the living room. My mom was angry and yelling at the staff at the motel. Shawn looked about as if he believed I would magically appear and fix it. Shawn then walked down to the bar by the pool, ordered drinks, and tried to put them on my room bill. That was the finest part.
He shook his head at the bartender. Shawn made a face. The bartender pointed to the front desk. Shawn’s frown got worse. And then it hit me.
I almost burst out laughing. He looked at our mom, and his face went darker. She was already pulling out her wallet and looking upset as she handed him her card to pay for his new place to stay. It was the first time my mom had to pay for Shawn’s mess.
And I was sipping my mimosa and admiring how little and silly it all seemed.
I didn’t try to explain when I finally picked up the phone and talked to her. “I paid for my room,” I answered softly. “If Shawn needed one, that’s your fault.”
She yelled, stuttered, and said I was selfish. I just smiled. I said, “I hope you have a good time,” and then I hung up.
The Deletion
The first thing I noticed when I got home was how quiet it was. A week later, a package came to my door. There was no return address, only my name scrawled in my mother’s neat, controlled handwriting.
There was a book of pictures within. A long time ago, when Shawn and I were kids. I opened it. When we were kids, we used to enjoy our birthdays, holidays, and vacations. Then, halfway through, I witnessed something that made me sick to my stomach. There were no more images of me. Cut out. I could only see a blank, white space wherever I went.
There was only one message on the last page of the album. “We won’t force you to be a part of this family if you don’t want to.”
I never wanted to go. They were punishing me because I wouldn’t let them walk all over me.
Then my phone rang. Shawn sent a message.
Shawn: Enjoy being the only child.
I took a deep, deliberate breath. I didn’t think twice about it; I threw the record away outside. They wanted to get rid of me. Got it. I would show them how easy it was to live without them.
The Last Show
It took months. Things became better for me. I fared well without the constant stress of their expectations. I thought I had gotten used to my new life, but then I got a wedding invitation. Jessica and Shawn.
The plan wasn’t a way to make peace. This was a way to get more power. They didn’t want me there because they missed me. They wanted me to be there to show that the family was doing fine without me.
So I gave them what they asked for. I said yes to the RSVP.
I got there just in time, as the guests were being seated. People turned to look. Then there were quiet voices. I could feel my family’s eyes on me, but I didn’t even blink. I looked great. I had carefully chosen my clothes: they were fashionable, comfortable, and hard to look away from. I wore confidence like armor.
Shawn was the first to see me. He stopped laughing in his throat. Jessica looked where he was looking, but it was hard to tell what was going on with her expression. Next, my mother. Her face became blank, just like it would when I wasn’t being the perfect, obedient daughter. She assumed I would stay away.
I smiled instead and took a champagne glass from a passing server. I held it up a little bit toward her.
The speeches were the most fun. My dad, who didn’t speak much, gave a speech that was full of my mom’s influence. He looked her in the eye and replied, “Family is everything.” “And no matter what, we’ll always be together.”
It was so evident that I saw other family members giving each other looks. I wasn’t the only one who saw through the act.
At that point, I knew I didn’t have to reply in the same way. They were the ones who did it. By trying so hard to make a point, they were showing everyone how insecure they were. They thought they had gotten rid of me, but all they did was make me louder.
I got up, said I was sorry, and left the wedding early. No words, no fight, no answer. At that time, I could tell they knew they hadn’t won. They had lost.
That was the last time I saw them. I moved on, not with anger, but with the calm, steadfast knowledge that I had gone on my own terms. And in the end, that was the only win I needed.
