People usually assess friendship by small acts of kindness, like being there for someone, giving them your time, or going above and beyond just because you care. But sometimes, those same gestures reflect something deeper: whether or not others actually value your compassion or just take it for granted.
I learned that lesson two weeks ago, and I won’t forget it.
An invitation that made me really happy
It made me so pleased when a great friend asked me to her baby shower. A baby shower is more than just a get-together; it’s an important event, a celebration of new life, and a chance to be with the people who mean the most to you. I wanted to make sure her day was as special as it could be.
So I said I will make the food. Not just a few dishes, but enough food for fifty people.
I could see my friend smiling and thanking me, and the visitors enjoying the dinner. I also thought that people would think the celebration went well. The idea of making such a large difference made my pulse race.
A Long Day of Work and Love
The day before the shower, I turned my kitchen into a sanctuary of love.
My hands hurt from cutting up vegetables.
I made trays of both sweet and salty items.
I stood by the stove, stirring pots and tasting everything to make sure it tasted well.
I didn’t just bring food; I wanted to show my buddy that I cared and recognize her new responsibility as a mother. I thought for hours about how pleased I would be to be there, talking, laughing, and having fun with everyone.
By the end of the day, my fridge was full, my feet hurt, and I felt good about things.
But that sensation of bliss didn’t last.
The Message That Made Me Not Be Excited
My phone rang late that night, just as I was getting ready to go to sleep. It was a letter from a friend.
She said:
“I’m really sorry, but I can’t let you in.” The venue doesn’t have adequate space. I still hope you can provide the food by tomorrow.
I read the words over and over again. My heart took a deep breath.
Not invited. After all the time I spent getting ready for her party, she didn’t want me there. She still needed my help, my meals, and my work, but not me being there.
It sounded like someone saying, “Your work is welcome.” You are not.
What to Say
I thought about the message for a long time, and my feelings were all over the place. Anger, hurt, and disbelief. I was going to yell at her and ask her why she was treating me this way.
But then I stopped.
I didn’t argue; I calmly said:
“Thanks for the invite.” Sorry, but I can’t bring the food either because my plans have changed.
That was all there was.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t ask. I merely drew a line.
The Aftermath
The next day, friends of both of us told me that the shower didn’t go well. They ran out of food. The event didn’t go as planned, and the guests were not happy.
I won’t lie; a part of me thought I was right. But I felt better than that. Deep down, I knew this wasn’t just about food or a celebration.
It was all about respect.
What I Found Out
I recognized when I looked back that this was a turning point for me. It taught me one of the most important things about friends and how to love myself:
You should never have to give up your dignity to be kind.
No matter how large or small, true friends care about what you do.
It’s okay to say no if someone doesn’t appreciate your kindness.
I don’t hold a grudge. I don’t want her to get hurt. But I don’t mind putting a limit on things. Boundaries are not walls; they are gates that safeguard us from getting depleted and make sure that our energy goes to people who actually care about us.
An Idea for Older People
Older people might know this lesson. A lot of us were taught that being a friend means giving and being there for each other. But as you become older, you realize that relationships should go both ways.
If you keep giving and not getting much respect back, you should ask yourself, “Is this partnership really a friendship, or is the other person just using me?”
We value our time, work, and care. We should spend our sixties, seventies, and beyond with people who make us feel good, not those who make us feel bad.
Take care of yourself first.
It stung at first when the baby shower happened. But now I think it’s a good thing. It made me see that being needed and being appreciated are not the same thing.
I don’t put energy into those who only see me as a way to get what they want. I put money into relationships where respect is the most essential thing, being there is more important than providing, and compassion is received with thanks.
Real friends would never uninvite you and will always keep your food on the list of guests. They will want you, not just what you can do for them.
Those are the friends you should maintain.
