I’m really angry. That’s exactly what my mum does: she always looks after my kids. From the moment our first child was born, she stepped in as if it were second nature. No complaints and no second thoughts. She was there for every illness, every time they picked her up from school, every time she scraped her knee, and every time she was upset during nap time.
We depended on her when my wife and I went back to work full-time. She wasn’t only significant sometimes; she became the most important person in our home. She always brought order to our lives and made them less crazy. And now, after years of this, she suddenly decides she’s done?
She says she wants to “live life.” Like that’s a good excuse for things to be fine. What about our lives? We still have stuff to do. The bills just keep coming. We still have to go to meetings, meet deadlines, and pick up our sick kids from the crèche, assuming we can afford one.
It isn’t humorous how much it costs to care for children. We are already having a terrible time getting by, and now we have to pay hundreds of dollars every month. The thought of hiring a full-time babysitter or even a part-time creche makes me feel like I’m going crazy. She knows that. She knows how hard it is for us.
And she is definitely not working anymore. Every day she doesn’t have to go to work. She doesn’t have a lot of job to do or a boss. So why now? Why go when we need her the most? It looks like she’s going back on a promise that was never written down but was always known. This group is like family. This is how we aid one another. She knows how hard it is since she raised me. It’s my turn now, so isn’t it normal for her to assist raise her grandchildren?
That’s how I always thought about it. A circle: parents raise their kids, the kids grow up, and then everyone helps each other in the next stage. Isn’t it true that grandparents are in that group? They don’t just come for birthday parties and pictures on holidays. They’re involved. They help. At least that’s what I thought it worked like. It was a huge blow when she said she would no longer babysit, at least not on a regular basis. It seemed like a betrayal. I felt lonely. I didn’t get how someone so dependable could go.
But then she spoke.
She said she hadn’t planned to answer, but she felt like she had to. What she said helped me think about things in a new perspective.
She gently but firmly reminded me that she loves us. She showed how much she loved and cared for her grandchildren. Her heart is still the same. But she also made it clear that she doesn’t want to be a babysitter full-time without pay. And she never said she would be one. She said something I hadn’t thought about: that she had been a mom for decades. For decades. She had trouble sleeping, had money problems, and was emotionally drained. She followed the rules. She is now 71 years old and wants to make the most of the time she has left just for herself.
She said her knees hurt, she was getting less and less energy, and she wanted to spend her days doing things that made her feel good, like dancing, having brunch with friends, volunteering, and travelling. It’s not that she doesn’t love her family. But she’s always put other people first, and now she’s finally trying to put herself first.
Honestly, I had never thought of it that way before.
She was just “Mom” to me. You can trust her. She was always there to help. But she’s not a machine. She is a person with her own desires, needs, and limits. And she has every right to get back her peace, her time, and her body. She said she would still be there for us when we absolutely needed her, but not as a default or an obligation.
That part stayed with me.
She’s not leaving. She’s just making up rules. She makes regulations that are good for you and necessary. I recognised that the anger, confusion, and annoyance I was feeling weren’t only about taking care of kids. It was about what people said. About this idea that her love meant never saying no. Being there, no matter what it cost, was what that support meant.
But she isn’t stating that she doesn’t love us. All she means is that she needs to love herself as well. And she does deserve it.
She said in one of her last comments, “If my son thinks I owe him free childcare for life, he might need to learn how to be thankful.” That hurt. But it was fair. At one point, I stopped seeing her support as a gift and started to expect it. I didn’t like how much time, energy, and flexibility she gave us with my kids.
I can see it now. I can see her. She is not just my mother or the grandmother of my children; she is a whole person who has already done a lot of good work.
I’m still feeling too much. We still don’t sure how we’ll handle everything from here on out. But this might be the thing that wakes me up. I need to be a better parent, be thankful for what I have, and stop expecting people to always help me.
Mom never took care of the kids. When we needed it most, she was the bridge that helped us get across. But you can’t just stay on bridges. You cross and then keep on. And now, maybe it’s time for her to move on to something new too.
