Especially during annual dinners or during the holidays, family get-togethers frequently have customs and expectations. These gatherings are intended to strengthen family ties, foster memories, and unite individuals. They can, however, also result in miscommunications, particularly when expectations regarding respect, effort, and contributions are off.
It is reasonable to feel conflicted in this situation because you have found yourself in a situation that has caused stress. Let’s dissect this story’s various components and examine whether your response was warranted as well as the potential long-term effects on family connections.
It’s possible that you and other family members find sentimental significance in the custom of everyone bringing a homemade dish to the family supper. Considering that preparing a meal from scratch frequently takes time, thinking, and work, it’s a means to show concern, effort, and a sense of family. Such traditions foster a sense of connection and belonging in close-knit households.
But when new family members arrive, like a daughter-in-law who is going for the first time, there may be a lack of awareness of these unwritten customs. It may not be immediately apparent to everyone that they are expected to contribute a homemade food, particularly if they have diverse family traditions or backgrounds. Unlike you, your daughter-in-law (DIL) may not have thought it was as vital to provide a handmade meal.
The statement “My time is valuable; I’m not a stay-at-home mom like you” that your DIL made while bringing a store-bought dish could be interpreted as reflecting her priorities and personal situation. Maybe she was expressing that cooking a cooked meal was just not possible due to her work obligations and other obligations. This comment may also be an indication of how she views time management and how she views your stay-at-home mom lifestyle.
It’s evident that the comment had an impact on you even though you haven’t responded yet. The work you put into preparing for family gatherings might have seemed disparaging, or it might have appeared to be a criticism of your own decisions and role. Your emotions are understandable because everyone contributes unique experiences, ideals, and aspirations to family relationships.
By placing disposable plates next to her dish, you believed that you were being courteous in light of the store-bought dish issue. You understood that she might have been hurried or lacked the time to make a complete cooked meal, so you saw this as a method to help her get through the event without making her feel uncomfortable. Even if this action was done with good intentions, it might have been seen as a subtly disapproving gesture or as passive-aggressive. The act of using throwaway plates would have been interpreted as emphasizing the distinction between the “homemade” and “store-bought” contributions, which could have made her feel even more alone or uneasy.
As you stated that “it’s not about having time—it’s about making time and showing respect for this family,” it appears that you were attempting to convey your thoughts about what you believe to be the custom’s deeper significance. Most likely, the store-bought food upset you and made you feel as though the family’s traditions weren’t respected or given enough thought.
Your DIL may have reacted emotionally as a result of your remarks coming across as critical or judgmental. She might have been offended, defensive, or misinterpreted by what she perceived as a criticism of her decisions. As she tried to fit in and contribute in her own way, her response—which included crying and attempting to defend herself—indicates that she might have been devalued or invalidated.
Complicating matters further is your son’s answer, in which he accuses you of insulting his wife. From his perspective, the scenario probably appeared to be a conflict between his wife’s unique condition and family customs. His wish to issue a public apology might be an attempt to shield his wife from criticism or alienation, particularly at a family get-together where feelings might run hot.
It makes sense that you could believe your response wasn’t excessive—after all, you were following a meaningful family custom. The lack of effort from your DIL probably made you feel offended, dissatisfied, and upset, especially given it was her first time attending the dinner. It’s possible that you also thought your family values were being disregarded.
While you may have responded out of tradition and concern, others may have viewed your response as being too severe since family dynamics are complicated. It is crucial to recognize that your DIL may not have understood the custom or its significance as well. Instead of coming out as disrespectful, she thought that bringing a store-bought dish could have been a sensible answer. She might have felt assaulted by the way you spoke and the tone you used, even if that wasn’t your goal.
Navigating family dynamics may be difficult, particularly when customs or expectations are involved, as this scenario demonstrates. Realizing that everyone has a unique set of priorities, viewpoints, and backgrounds is crucial. What holds great significance for one individual may not be as significant to another.
Talking to your son and DIL in a calm and open manner could be beneficial if you value keeping your relationship with them positive. Without making accusations, you can voice your emotions and offer others the opportunity to express their viewpoint. Recognize that your behavior might not have been understood as you intended, and then work to establish a shared understanding going ahead. In the future, it can be beneficial to establish expectations for donations prior to family gatherings to ensure that everyone is in agreement.
Understanding and sensitivity ultimately play a major role in preserving solid familial ties. Customs are vital, but so is the capacity for mutual adaptation and learning.
