Bert and Edna, an old married couple, are sitting on the porch swing on a quiet Sunday night.
They are married fifty-five years. The two of them are drinking lukewarm tea and watching squirrels in the yard fight over a Cheeto as the sun goes down and the birds sing.
Edna exclaims upon a sudden and states, “Bert, shall we talk about our bucket lists?”
Bert raises his eyebrows. Buckets lists? I am eighty-seven, Edna. The last thing on my list is to wake up tomorrow and remember where I place my pants.
Edna laughs. No, I am not joking. Before we die we should each do something we have always wanted to do, and never got a chance to do it.
Bert thinks before answering. Oh, very well, very well. I have always wanted to go sky diving.
The eyes of Edna become bigger. “Skydiving? Bert, when you last knelt down to tie your shoe you were out three minutes.
Bert shrug. Well, if I fall in midair, then let me land in the neighbor garden. It has been my purpose to haunt him.
They laugh and Edna nods. O.K., O.K. You go sky diving. I will do mine too.
Bert squints. And what haven you?
All of a sudden, Edna winks naughtily, just as she did when she “incidentally” threw out the car window a bowling trophy of Bert in a quarrel in 1965.
Say Bert, I just wanted to tell you something.
Bert swallows. What is your confession?
As your favorite recliner mysteriously leaned to the left every time over the last 20 years. Edna is murmuring and is leaning closer.
Bert nods his head. Yes, I blamed the dog. It lamed along weeks, poor dear.
Edna grins. Well, I have done it. The year 1989: after you spilled grape soda on my brand-new curtains, I stuck a spatula in the bottom.
Bert gasps. You are a monster!
Edna chuckles. “And remember how no matter which button you tried to press on the remote it would change to the Hallmark channel?”
Bert blinked. Haunted! you said!”
Edna smiles. “No. I stuck a penny in the compartment to short-circuit the battery. You have not missed a Christmas romance movie in the last five years.
The jaw of Bert drops. “Why did you do that?”
Edna drinks her tea calmly. Well, because slow-motion snowball fights and mistletoe are the most delightful means to take revenge on somebody, honey.
Bert takes a moment to consider then leans back in the swing and says, “Edna, you know what? I have another confession too.
Oh, she says.
Do you remember my Saturday fishing expeditions that went on ten years?
Edna looks at him. “You do not go fishing.”
agne Bert says proudly, I am aware. I was at the alley bowling. I won four awards. They are hidden in the basement behind the water heater.
Edna gazes at him unbelievingly. You threw a plastic trophy out the car window on purpose, you mean?
Both of them began to laugh.
Edna has bought a new recliner and Bert has gone skydiving and now they bowl together every Saturday, mostly just to keep an eye on each other.
An 85-year-old couple was tragically killed in an auto crash after almost 60 years of marriage and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
The last decade had seen them in top form due to the fitness and healthy eating craze of the wife.
St. Peter gave them a warm welcome and then showed them their heavenly house that had a gourmet kitchen, a Jacuzzi, a big bedroom and even a pool table.
“Whoa! How much does this cost? asked the husband.
Nothing, said St. Peter. ”All is free,–this is heaven!”
And then he would take them out to a championship golf course, not far away in the car, where they could play at any time they pleased, and have an angel as their caddy, and get all the gorgeous greens of the world rolled out before them daily.
marvelled the wife. What of the green fees?
Oh, free, St. Peter laughed. “Paradise is this side.”
Then they had a tour of a five-star restaurant which offered unlimited buffet of prime rib, lobster, Wagyu beef, exotic vegetables, and dreamlike desserts.
The husband said, still uncertain, How much?
Well, sir,… It’s free. The Sky is here!
The husband drew back. Any low fat, low cholesterol alternatives?
St. Peter laughed. And you will not get sick or gain weight in heaven. Eat anything you wish!
The husband flushed and clenched his fists and started to shout at the sky.
Puzzled his wife asked, What is it?
He yelled, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, and he pointed at her. Without your paleo chicken and bran muffins we would still be here today!
