Rachel is my name. In a quiet residential area of Portland, Oregon, I own and run a tiny café called “The Daily Grind.” David, my husband, is an architect, and our three-year-old daughter, Lily, is the most important person in our lives. In the quiet before dawn, my day starts at 6:00 AM. The first thing I do is turn on the coffee machine. The smell of the beans fills our quiet house with a rich, earthy aroma. The world outside the window is still dark, and the trees in the yard are only slightly moving in the early mist. The morning is my favorite time of day, when the world is still asleep and I can relax.
I
“I’ll take Lily to daycare today and then go to the café,” I remark as I pour him a cup.
David softly nods while he drinks his freshly brewed coffee. When I stare at his profile, I sometimes get a faraway look in his eyes, like he’s looking at a horizon I can’t see. I want to know what he’s thinking, but I don’t. We have that kind of understanding without saying anything; we respect each other’s quiet and don’t push too much. I understood that was how we kept our relationship’s fragile harmony.
The
“Good morning, Lily-bug.” Her warm, soft body fits wonderfully against my chest when I pick her up. I really do feel happy at these times.
I had a busy but enjoyable day at the café. Mrs. Margaret, one of my regulars, comes in and orders her normal cappuccino. She talks to me a lot about her dead husband. Her stories are a sad blend of love and sadness. “Rachel, you look happy,” she remarks now, and her lovely eyes crinkle at the corners.
“Yes, I’m blessed,” I say with a smile. But a small part of me can’t totally agree with what you said. I ought to be pleased. I have a husband who loves me, a lovely kid, and a business that I’m proud of. But occasionally I feel something heavy in my chest, a shadow I can’t name.
I go to get Lily from daycare in the evening. She is playing with her buddies, and when she sees me, she hurries to me with a big smile on her face. “Mommy, guess what? Today, I made a drawing!
“That’s great!” Show me when we get home.”
David isn’t home from work yet when we get back. It seems like his business trips have been getting more frequent lately. He goes to job sites far away three or four times a week. He comes home late a lot, and there are times when he doesn’t get home before Lily goes to bed. I feel a familiar pang of loneliness while I cook dinner. David could be working too hard since the café doesn’t make enough money. It makes me blame myself.
David comes home after eight that night. Lily is already in bed. I respond, “Welcome home,” and he smiles, looking exhausted. “I’m home.”
“Is Lily already in bed?””
“Yes, I put her to bed at 7:30.”
David discreetly opens the door to Lily’s room and looks at our daughter, who is asleep. I can see how much he cares for her by the way he looks at her.
Before going to bed, David checks all the windows and locks in the house at night. This is how he usually acts. At first, I assumed he was just very careful, but lately, he’s been doing things more thoroughly. He checks the front door two or three times and touches the window locks a lot to be sure.
“It’s fine; I checked earlier,” I respond, but he says, “Just to be sure,” and looks for himself.
David lies down next to me in bed and stares at the ceiling. His phone lights up on the nightstand to let him know he has a message. He quickly grabs it and looks at the screen.
“Who sent it?” “I ask.
He says “work” quickly, yet there is a shadow in his face, as if he is hiding something. I won’t ask again. I don’t think I should.
Another bad dream that night. A dream in which someone is after me. I’m sprinting through dark, winding streets. A darkness is getting closer when I look back. I hear a voice calling my name. When I wake up, I’m covered in perspiration all over. David is awake and holding me without saying a word. He doesn’t ask anything. He’s always there for me. That’s how we do things.
David is getting ready for another business trip the next morning. He explains, “I’m leaving for three days and two nights,” as he packs a little luggage.
I say, “Be careful,” with a smile that doesn’t quite feel right.
Lily glances up at him with a sad face. “Dad, do you have to go on another business trip?”
David picks up our kid and holds her for a longer time than normal. He says in a husky voice, “I’ll be back soon.” I watch as he gets in the car and drives away, holding Lily’s hand.
The café is busy as soon as I open. There are always a lot of regulars on Tuesdays, and by the time the morning rush is over, my feet hurt. The normal sounds of the espresso machine, cups clinking together, and customers talking fill the air.
Around 3:00 in the afternoon, Emily, one of my employees, presents me with a new cake recipe. She wants to be a pastry chef. “Rachel, could you give this recipe a try?” She says, holding out a little platter. The sweet and tart taste of the lemon cake spreads in my mouth when I eat it. “It’s really good. We should put it on next week’s menu.
Emily is happy and smiling. Being able to make people happy is what keeps me in this career. It feels like the reason I live.
My cell phone calls at 5:00 p.m., just as I’m getting ready to close. David sent you a note. There is a lot of work to do. I might not be able to get in touch with you tomorrow. I look at the TV and feel a little lonely, but I know he’s busy. I say, “Okay, don’t push yourself too hard,” and then I put the phone in my pocket.
Lily is playing with her buddies in the sandbox as I go to pick her up from daycare. “Time to go, Lily.”
“Look, Mommy! I built a castle! At the end of her pointing finger lies a small pile of sand that is starting to fall apart.
“That’s nice.” But now is the time to leave.
I make dinner at home: a salad and macaroni and cheese, which Lily loves. The dining table is very silent without David.
“When is Dad coming home?” “Why?” Lily wonders.
“The day after tomorrow.” “Very soon,” I say, my voice sounding happier than I feel.
I give Lily a bath and put her in her jammies after dinner. “Mommy, tell me a story.”
“What kind of story do you want to hear?”
“A story about a princess.”
I start telling Lily’s favorite fairy tale, in which a princess has to deal with problems and ends up happy. Her eyelids get heavier and heavier as she listens to me. “Good night, Lily.”
“Good night, Mommy.” Looking at my daughter’s sleeping face makes my heart feel warm. I need to keep this child safe. That’s what I do as a mother.
I go back to the living room and sit down on the couch. I switch on the TV, but I don’t understand what it’s showing. David still hasn’t gotten in touch. Is he in a hotel room right now? Or is he going to an employment place to meet someone? I grab my phone and think about texting him, but I don’t. I don’t want to bother him.
It’s 10:00 PM when I look at the clock. It’s time to go to sleep. I take a shower and go into the big, empty bed that feels strange and cold without David. I go to sleep right away when I close my eyes.
But that night, the horror comes back to get me. I’m jogging through dark streets. I can hear footsteps behind me. Darkness is getting closer when I look back. It doesn’t matter how fast I run; it’s going to catch me. I hear a voice.
Rachel.
The voice is calling out my name. I recognize the voice. The voice was one I longed to forget.
Rachel. Hold on
My heart is beating quite hard. I can’t get enough air. My feet get tangled, and I almost fall.
I love you, Rachel.
My whole body is saturated with perspiration, and my heart is still beating when I wake up. The clock on the nightstand says it is 1:00 a.m. I breathe deeply to try to relax. It was only a dream. It’s done now. I get up, go to the kitchen, and sip a glass of cold water. The streetlights light up the tranquil area outside the living room window. “There is no one there.” It’s fine. “It’s over now,” I say quietly.
I get back into bed and lie down again. If only David were here. If only he could hold me with his warm arms. I close my eyes and think about David being here with me. But I don’t sleep well and wake up a lot.
At 2:00 in the morning, my cell phone rings, and the sound is so loud that it breaks the silence. I feel my heart race. Who could it be at this time? I grab the phone from the nightstand and check the screen. David. He gave it to me. Why now? What happened? An accident? Are you facing any challenges at work? I pick up the phone with shaking hands. “Hey? Hey David? What’s the matter? “
I can hear my husband’s breathless voice on the other end of the phone. “Rachel, right now, lock all the doors in the house! And all the windows!” His voice is time-sensitive, not like his normal calm voice. It’s like he’s scared of something.
“What? What went wrong?”
“Just do it!” Fast! I’ll explain later. But please hurry! Keep Lily safe!”
The call is over. I sit on the bed in a fog, grasping my cell phone. David’s voice… I’ve never heard him sound so desperate. Protect Lily. Those words echo in my thoughts. I rise up and rush inside Lily’s room. My daughter is sleeping quietly, her small chest rising and falling regularly. Seeing her defenseless form, I know I have to protect her no matter what. I race to the bed and take up my baby, blanket and all. Lily wakes up and rubs her eyes sleepily. “Mommy?”
“It’s okay. Mommy’s here.” My voice is trembling. I urgently attempt to grin so she won’t notice. I’m still holding Lily, I head to the front door. My heart is racing. I look at the lock. It’s locked, but I turn it again. Definitely locked. Next, the back door. I walk through the kitchen to the service door and lock it. Returning to the living room, I examine the windows. I lock the windows in my daughter’s room and the bedroom window with one arm while holding Lily with the other. I lock them all up.
There is a problem. Something is coming. Gripping my cell phone, I call David. He picks up right away. “David, I locked everything! “What’s happening?”
I can hear a car engine on the other end of the line. He’s driving. “I’m heading there now. Do not open the door for any reason. Don’t open it no matter who comes.”
“Who’s coming? Tell me!” My voice is close to a scream. Lily stares up at my face anxiously.
“I’m sorry. I’ll explain later. I also phoned the cops. They’ll be there soon.”
“Police? David, what happened?”
“Please don’t open the door. Promise me.”
“Okay.” The call ends. I settle down on the couch in the living room and put Lily on my lap. “Mommy, what’s wrong?” ”she whispers.
“It’s okay. I say, “Daddy will be home soon,” and then I listen intently to see if I can hear anything outside. The sound of the wind, the sound of trees moving, and the sound of a car going by in the distance.
Then I hear the doorknob on the front door spinning slowly and over and over again. I hold my breath. My whole body freezes. Someone is trying to get in. Lily starts to shake a little. “Mommy…”
“Quiet. Don’t make a sound.” I gently cover my daughter’s mouth with my hand. I can feel it tremble. The sound of the doorknob spinning ceases. The silence comes back. But it’s only for a little while.
There is a figure outside the living room window that the streetlight is shining on. Somebody starts to take shape in the distance. The shadow gets closer to the window and then knocks. Lily starts to cry softly. I hold my daughter close.
I hear a man’s voice through the window say, “Rachel.” The voice is soft and familiar. It’s a voice I recognize. “Rachel, let me in. It’s me.
When I hear that voice, something inside me breaks. All at once, memories from ten years ago come rushing back. It was the same voice, the same words. I love you, Rachel. It was a rainy night. A man was standing in front of my flat. Please listen to me. Me, running away. He was running after me. Why are you running? We were intended to be together. “Stop holding on to me!” I shout. He is being handcuffed, yet he is looking at me. I’ll be back. I’ll come for you.
Ten years. I didn’t think I would ever see him again. But I was hurt. At night, I couldn’t sleep. I had the feeling that someone was observing. The bed was situated in a hospital. The ceiling is painted white. I have bandages on my wrists. I can’t go on living.
I come back to the present. The man outside the window knocks again. “Rachel, I found you at last. I’ve been seeking you for a long time.
I get up, shaking. I move away from the window while still holding Lily. “Stay away from me! I phoned the cops!”
“I wanted to see you.” “I’ve been thinking about you all this time.” The man’s voice is calm, like he’s talking to a lover. That makes it even scarier.
Lily is still screaming against my chest. “Mommy, I’m scared!”
“It’s fine.” “It’s okay.” All I can do is hold my daughter after that.
There is movement in the shadow beyond the window. The man is moving about the home. He might be going to the back door. I hear a siren in the distance growing closer. Outside the window, the shadow goes away. Did the man leave? I sit on the floor and hold Lily while I ‘m shaking.
Someone is banging on the front door. “Police! Are you okay?”
I get up and walk to the front door with shaky legs. There are two police officers in uniform standing outside when I look through the peephole. I open the door after unlocking it. “Are you okay?” “Are you okay?” a young cop says, staring at me with worry.
I can only say, “My daughter… she’s okay.” Tears are flowing. Another cop comes into the house and begins to look through each room. “We’ll catch the suspect soon, even though he got away.”
I can’t feel better even after hearing those words. He will return. He will come back.
And suddenly I hear the motor of an automobile. An automobile suddenly stops in front of the house. I hear a door open. Footsteps running. “Rachel! Lily!”
David is here. He runs through the front door. When I see my hubby, all of my feelings come out at once. David embraces us close, so powerfully. “I’m sorry.” “I’m so sorry.” His voice is shaking as well.
“Why? How did you know?” I ask, hiding my face in my husband’s chest.
“I’ll explain later.” I’m just thrilled that you’re safe right now.
Lily is crying in the middle of us. We three stay at the entryway, unable to move for a time.
The sky was gray the next morning. I went to the police station by myself after leaving Lily with my mother-in-law. David said he would go with me, but I said no. I had to deal with this on my own. The police station’s questioning room was frigid and not very friendly. The detective across the desk looked calm. “It must have been hard for you last night.”
“Yes.” I spoke in a whisper. “I hardly slept at all last night.”
“Do you recall what happened 10 years ago? The detective opened a case file. The case file contained memories of the past I wanted to forget.
“Yes, I remember.”
“The perpetrator, Mark Thompson, was released three months ago.” Hearing that made my blood run cold.
“Three months ago?” I had no idea.
The investigator added, “I’m sorry, but victims are usually told about the release.” “It looks like you didn’t get the message.” There might have been a problem with the process for changing your address.
I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know anything three months ago. But David did know. Why did my spouse know he was free? The detective took a moment to think before answering. “Your husband seems to have looked into it on his own. He hired a detective on his own.
A private investigator. Without notifying me, David hired a private investigator. I go home once I leave the police station. David is in the living room, waiting. Lily’s grandmother accompanied her to the park. She must have known we needed some time alone.
“David.” He stands up and looks at me. “Rachel, please have a seat. I want to have a chat.
We sat on the couch across from each other. A long stillness comes. “You knew he was free.”
David shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”
“Why didn’t you let me know?” My voice is shaking, but not because I’m angry; it’s because I’m sad.”
David takes a big breath. “I knew about your past before we got married.”
“What? That I… that I was being stalked?”
“All of it.”
I gasp. “How? “I didn’t tell you everything.”
“Every time you had nightmares, I could see that you were still in pain.” David looks at me, and I can see how sad he is. “So, I looked into who the man was who made you suffer. “I can’t say anything. David goes on, “I also have a similar experience.”
“What?”
“When I was a kid, my dad used to hurt my mom.” Relationship Advice Books
I look at my husband in shock. He doesn’t talk about his past very often. “ Every night, I heard my mother’s screams. David’s voice shakes as he says, “I would hide under the covers in my room and cover my ears.” “The sound of the door being hit, my mother’s crying, my father’s yelling.”
“David…”
“I was little and couldn’t do anything. I just trembled.” He clenches his fists. “My mom left home one day. She left me.
I put my hand on top of my husband’s. “What happened after that?”
“I lived with my dad. He was a good person when he wasn’t drinking. But I always thought, “When David looks at me, I will never again fail to safeguard someone who is essential to me.” “Never.”
I’m beginning to understand. “That’s why you hired a detective.”
“I hired a private investigator to keep an eye on Mark Thompson after he got out of jail.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you were finally… at last able to smile.” Tears build up in David’s eyes. “When we got married, you were still scared sometimes. When you heard the door, you would shudder or become ready when strangers came near.
I nod. That was certainly accurate. “But you started to grin more and more after Lily was born. The café went back on track, and every day seemed fun. I never wanted you to feel terrified again. “I tried to fix everything by myself.”
I hold my husband’s hand tightly. “But you were doing it all by yourself.”
“I’m sorry.” I believed I could keep everything safe.
My cheeks are wet with tears. I can’t tell if the tears are David’s or mine. “David, you tried to keep me safe. I’m overjoyed for that,” I say, and he looks at me. “But I’ve become stronger, too. Ten years ago, I was a different person. “That’s not what family is,” I say as I stare into my husband’s eyes. “We should have fought together.”
David doesn’t say anything and just holds me. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. Together from now on.” I promise, no matter what.” We hold each other for a time.
A few days later, the police call me. Mark Thompson is in jail and will have to go to court. This time, he will be charged with violating parole, stalking, and trying to break into a house. A month later, I’m in court. Mark is sitting in the defendant’s chair and looks down. He seems older and thinner than he did five years ago.
“Does the victim have anything to say?” the judge asks.
I get up and gaze at Mark. Mark lifts his head and looks at me. “I’m not afraid of you anymore.” “Ten years ago, you took everything from me—security, peace, hope for the future.” My voice doesn’t shake. “But I made it through. I made a new life for myself. Mark looks down and says, “I love my family.” “You can’t change my life anymore.”
The judge hits the gavel. “Mark Thompson, you will spend fifteen years in prison.”
David is waiting for me when I leave the courtroom. He holds me and says, “You did well.”
“Because we’re together,” I say, looking up at my spouse and smiling.
“No matter what happens from now on.”
“Yes,” I vow. We hold hands and go out of the courthouse.
It’s been three months since the trial, and our lives are slowly getting back to normal. We go to couples therapy once a week. Dr. Miller, our counselor, is a lovely and caring person. “You’ve both learned how to talk about your past hurts,” she says.
“Yes,” I say. “I was scared at first, but talking about it made me feel a little better.”
David also nods. “I thought being strong meant doing everything by yourself.” But I was incorrect.
Dr. Miller smiles and says, “True strength is being able to depend on others.” “Being open about your weaknesses makes relationships stronger.”
I hold David’s hand. He squeezes back softly.
Lily is also getting better slowly. She would often wake up wailing in the middle of the night for the first few weeks. But when we were both in the bedroom and held her right away, she would fall asleep feeling protected. “Mommy, what is family?” Lily asked me one night.
I gaze at David. He smiles at me and says, “Family are people who look out for each other.”
David goes on, “People who accept each other’s flaws.”
Lily considers for a second and then adds, “Then we’re a family!””
“That’s right.” I hold my daughter. “We’re a family.”
One day, a letter comes in the mail. Mark Thompson’s mom sent it. I take the letter out of the envelope and read it. Rachel, I don’t want you to forgive what my kid did. I just want you to be happy. My son was not well. I didn’t see that. I’m really sorry as a mother. When I’m done reading the letter, I cry, but not because I’m sad.
“Are you going to write back?” David asks as he looks over from the side.
I shake my head. “No, but I got her feelings. ” No longer stuck in the past. “I’m going ahead now.”
As a family, we go to the park on the weekends. Lily rides the swing, pumping up high. The azure sky resonates with her laughter. We sit on the bench and hold hands.
“Thanks,” I say.
“For what?””
“To keep me safe that night.”
David holds my hand securely. “Thank you for saying, ‘Let’s fight together.’ From now on, we’ll always be together.”
“I promise,” I said.
Lily waves at us as she glances back. “Look, Mommy and Daddy!” I can swing really high! We wave and smile back. The wind is warm in the spring. The petals of the cherry blossoms fall and scatter across the ground. I put my head on David’s shoulder. He pulls me in. “Are you happy?” He asks, “
“Yes, a lot.”
Blood ties don’t make a family real. It’s about accepting each other’s pain and journeying together, showing each other our flaws, and being there for each other. We found that out.
Lily climbs off the swing and runs over. “Mommy, Daddy, I’m hungry!””
“Then let’s go get some ice cream!” David says.
“Yay!” “Lily takes our hands and pulls us. ” David and I giggle when we see each other. We three walk through the park, holding hands. This is our family. Our family may not be perfect, but it is genuine. And that’s all.
When you look up, you can see a blue sky with no clouds. A new season is starting. The ghosts of the past no longer follow us. We move together, facing forward. From now on, we will always be moving forward.
