What do you do when love, which you believed was free, suddenly has rules? What if the baby you carried for someone else is seen as a letdown instead than a miracle? I never thought that grief would come when I became a surrogate for my sister Rachel and her husband Jason.
Rachel had experienced a lot of miscarriages over the years, which made her very sad and made her feel empty and alone. She cried in my arms so many times that I can’t count them all because she was sorry about the babies she never got to hold. I didn’t think twice when she finally got up the confidence to ask me to have a baby for her. She was my sister. I replied yes, of course. I told her, “This baby will be yours, and you’ll finally have the family you’ve always wanted.”
She came back to life because she was having a baby. She appeared bright, joyful, and interested straight away. She went to all of the doctor’s appointments, helped pick out cute clothes, and spent hours painting stars and clouds on the nursery walls. Jason didn’t say much about the process, but he seemed to be okay with it. My boys were also quite happy. They were really happy to meet their cousin, who was very little. Everything felt great.
But everything went wrong when the baby came.
She was a beautiful baby girl: healthy, strong, and very gorgeous. I remember hugging her and crying while thinking about how lucky Rachel and Jason were. I looked up, thinking I would see the same joy on their faces.
Instead, I saw fear.
Rachel’s face went blank. Jason shook his head in disbelief after only one look. Rachel said coldly, “This isn’t the baby we were expecting,” and she didn’t even reach for her daughter. “We wanted a boy.” Jason didn’t say anything more. He walked out of the hospital room and turned around.
I was stunned and standing there with the baby on my chest. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. “Are you serious?” I asked, barely able to keep my anger in check. “You’d rather leave your child because she’s a girl?”
Rachel didn’t say anything. She simply looked away and crossed her arms. That silence told me everything.
They left.
I was left with their baby daughter. But when I looked down at her small face and saw her tiny fingers wrapping around mine, I felt something change in me. She was not unwanted. Not to me. She was innocent. Awesome. She deserved love. And if her own parents couldn’t understand how valuable she was, I would.
I brought her home with me. My boys liked her immediately away. They called her their little sister and wanted to touch and feed her. We had a lot of weeping, laughing, and midnight feedings in our house again, but we didn’t mind at all.
Her name is Kelly. I gave her the name myself, and I didn’t do it to hurt her; I did it out of love. Someone who thought she was a blessing, not a burden, should have named her.
I heard a knock on the door one night after a few weeks had gone by. When I opened it, I saw Rachel all by herself. She didn’t have her wedding ring, her hair was unkempt, and her eyes were puffy. She looked like she had lost control and hit rock bottom.
Tears started to fall down her face as soon as she saw me with Kelly.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “She’s not who I thought she was.” There is more to her. She is just right. I was scared, so I let Jason take care of everything. I left because I was afraid. But I want to be her mom. Please help me figure it out.
I stood there for a long time, holding the baby she had said no to. Then I saw it in her eyes. It wasn’t just shame or regret; it was something more serious. I saw the same fire in her eyes that I had seen years earlier when she was fighting to be a mother. She found it again. It could have come too late, but it was real.
Rachel is slowly getting back together with Kelly now. One step at a time, she is learning how to be the mother her daughter needs. It’s not the best. Some days are harder than others. But I’ve seen her hold Kelly with the same amazement that I wanted her to have when she was born.
And Kelly? There are a lot of people that love her. Two of her cousins believe she is the best person in the world. She has me, and I will always stand up for her. And now she has her mother, who is there for her, even though she isn’t perfect. Trying. Even after doing something wrong that harmed, choosing love.
We don’t always make plans for family. It isn’t always neat or easy. But sometimes, the most beautiful family is the one we want after we’ve failed. We always choose it, no matter what.
They might not have wanted Kelly to be their baby. But she changed all of us.
