When I asked for a divorce after thirty years with him, my husband was in great pain and disbelief. He thought he had always acted as a good husband. Actually, there was a reason no one saw coming.
How interesting it is that people can have opposite opinions on the same experience? For instance, when it comes to marriage. Zack felt we were living happily together, but I realized I had lost my happiness.
When I asked for a divorce on our thirtieth wedding anniversary, a few weeks after it was our youngest child’s turn to move out, everything we shared began to change.
I told him that the person he was looking for was “You.” In reality, I am.
Still looking at the fire, Zack sank down onto his chair. Are you really saying that you want to get a divorce?
I repeated, “Yes, that is true.” I will be divorcing you soon.
But he suddenly cried, “But why?” and I was shocked to find him with tears in his eyes. “I always loved you, Kelly, and I was faithful, I never cheated on you at any time!”
Yes, that’s a good way to look at it. You had a life of total honesty and never got involved in drinking or gambling.
Listening to what your partner actually says is one of the key aspects of any relationship.
“But…Let me ask you, how can such an example be allowed? You are divorcing me, but I did NOTHING for it to happen? Is there an affair going on?”
“NO!” I cried. “I’m not! Do you want to understand my reasons for breaking up with you, Zack? Let me tell you what… I approached him right away and stared at him face to face.
You are being left behind because you made NO EFFORT! After you had children and I worked all day, I was coming home to clean alone, and you did nothing at all.
When I was extremely sick and had no energy, you did not help me at all; when my dad passed away and I was heartbroken, you did nothing; and I felt lonely and depressed during menopause, still, you didn’t lift a finger.
When I was very sad about our two oldest children leaving us, you weren’t there for me. You never gave me flowers to say you cared and you always let your mom treat me rudely.
When I twisted my ankle, so badly I couldn’t walk, I needed to get up and make breakfast at 6:00 am, but you were in bed snoring and were no help. It doesn’t appear that anything plays to your strengths!”
“You didn’t mention it to me before!” Zack started to cry as his face showed he was hurt.
“I was upfront and asked for help every time,” I told him. Almost every time we were about to kiss, you paid more attention to the show you were watching. I mentioned as I begged for your love and attention, as well as romance.
I mentioned to you five years back when I wanted couples therapy that you didn’t think we had problems and chose to ignore it.
“We can head out now,” suggested Zack with hope. “Go ahead and schedule the appointment and I’ll be there!”
I said, “Naturally, now that you know I’m trying to leave for good.” “Even so, you are not bothered enough to ask them for therapy and arrange a meeting.”
“Please, Kelly,” he begged her. Let me show you how much I can make you happy!
Seeing him, emotion filled my heart with sadness. I shrugged my shoulders. Whenever I think about the past thirty years, I realize how deeply I wished to hear you say that.
All my feelings for you are sadness and pity right now. Honestly, I’ve never had you care about my happiness before Zack, and I have no reason to spend even one more day with you.”
On the following day, I got a new place at Venice Beach, eager to begin a new journey. I chose not to have a car anymore and began covering my distance to work on a bicycle.
My oldest daughter, Amy, shocked me by telling me that their father was in depression and meeting with a therapist. I empathized with him, but my happiness became more important to me after years.
I began dancing, met some new people, stopped wearing the boring clothes I had for Zack, and changed my hair. My children thought I looked much younger and couldn’t believe how I looked.
I felt like my age had dropped, I looked more stunning, full of vitality, and hopeful. Sam entered my life the next year, and since then, he has treated me with kindness and plenty of love. He plans to propose marriage.
Even so, I am a bit nervous as we prepare for our next step, and we already have a summer timeframe chosen. He’s the best person for me, and I’m starting to know what love really means.
I’ve heard that Zack is now dating someone younger than him who tells him what to do, gets him to fulfill her wishes, and spends money with no limits. Maybe everyone ends up in the situation they really deserve.
What message does the story share with us?
Not taking action has an equal impact to what actions we actually take. Zack wasn’t unfaithful, but he also didn’t give Kelly the affection and help that she asked for.
Paying attention to your partner by listening and caring for their needs is very important, but Zack missed this chance when he waited for so long.
